When The Tears Don’t Come: How to Access Grief and Joy
“A full heart is the capacity to take in both grief and joy and to offer to others tears and laughter. To laugh with those who know joy and to weep with those who suffer sorrow is the height of what it means to be human."
- Dan Allender, Healing The Wounded Heart
Aren't we all looking for goodness in the land of the living? The human heart just wants to be happy. So we chase and pursue dreams; we hope; we reach; we search and search and do all these things. And sometimes, no matter how hard we try, the joy we seek feels closed behind locked doors.
But did you know grieving could be what opens the door to more goodness? Welcoming your tears may feel like going backwards, but it's the quickest route to the truest joy. Below, I'll explain why, along with four things you can do to practice accessing your tears.
The Cost of Unprocessed Grief
Unprocessed grief hardens our hearts from everything else. We can’t always know that we have buried our grief because we’ve become numb, distracted ourselves, or minimized it over the years—but it’s abrasive. It’s like walking for miles with rocks in your shoes.
We stop feeling to protect ourselves, convincing our minds that the destination is more important. But no one tells us that when we shut our hearts off from grief, we are also shutting our hearts off from joy.
I like to think they are housed in the same area; when you cut off one, the other goes with it. To the extent you allow your heart to grieve is the extent you will experience joy.
But What if it’s Hard to Grieve?
Grief can feel impossible to access, even if you want to. The tears just don’t come. This is for good reason. Anytime self-protection is at play, it’s rooted in survival.
Internally, you may have beliefs about grief—that it’s foolish, childish, a waste of time, weak. Externally, you may have trusted someone with your tears, but they didn’t show care in return. So you swallowed your pain and stuffed it deep down.
Tears may feel like a threat; they may feel exposing and vulnerable. The heart will stay closed off as long as it doesn’t feel safe. So, if your beliefs about grief stay the same, and the people surrounding you cannot hold your sorrow, your heart will stay guarded.
The work begins by naming the stories that are connected to your tears, and exploring where shame and contempt entered the scene with a compassionate witness, as I provide through story work facilitation.
It's Easy to Grieve. Why is Joy Still So Hard?
If you have spent years in grief, done the work, and still find it hard to experience joy when it makes an appearance, have so much compassion for yourself. It makes sense that you would feel guarded, or like you’re trespassing on forbidden land.
When you’ve spent a lifetime knocking at joy’s locked door, or when it’s been stolen from you time and time again, it’s easy to think it’s just not for you. Perhaps there’s a narrative you’ve made an agreement with that you need to break.
For example:
“Good things only happen to other people. Bad things only happen to me”
“I am cursed. Everything good in my life falls apart”
“Everything is always too good to be true. I won’t be fooled.”
“It’s better for me to not enjoy this fully because it’s just going to end.”
It’s time to take back the land that’s been stolen from you, friend. You have every right to experience joy in your lifetime. But it makes sense if you still feel cautious.
The Beauty and Cost of Caution
When you or someone you know has been harmed, caution is a wise and natural response. However, there can be such a thing as being overly cautious. Joy and goodness could be right in front of you, but something within you is yelling, "Don't trust it!" When in reality, it's harmless.
Your life may be absent of joy because caution has gone into overdrive—everything is dangerous and no one is safe. We often become stuck in this mindset because we once trusted someone and got hurt, leading us to promise ourselves that we will never be deceived again. Finding a balance here is important.
Are there enough indicators that the "good thing" standing before you is safe? If you have enough information, understand the risks involved, and have the resources to support you regardless of the outcome, saying yes to joy becomes more possible.
What Can I Do to Access My Tears?
“Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go to next.”
- Frederick Buechner
Below are four suggestions for things you can do to begin accessing your grief and joy:
Check in with yourself: Can you remember the last time you cried? Whether it was yesterday or 10 years ago, whether it lasted a second or took you out for days, whether it was spurred by something heartbreaking, celebratory, awe-inspiring, or maddening, write it down. Spend some time getting curious about those tears, and ask them what they want to say.
Notice: When tears come, what do you do? Simply notice. Do you reach for your phone, wipe them away fast, laugh, change the topic, or apologize?
Practice: Make time to intentionally do something that brings you closer to grief and joy. Practice staying in that emotion a little longer than you’re used to. If you need to practice grieving, try watching a sad movie, asking your friends about books that have made them cry, or listening to a song that evokes strong emotions. If you need to practice joy, plan an outing full of your favorite things, watch a comedy, play songs that always put you in a good mood, hang out with someone who you know will make you laugh, or let yourself dance!
Story Work: Through 1:1 story work coaching with me, or in a group setting, get curious about the stories that have shaped your beliefs about grief and joy. Having others join you in your story with kindness, curiosity, and compassion can be a validating experience. Story work opens up the doorway to grief and joy in ways that you can’t always access on your own.
Summary
Even when the world looks hopeless and goodness feels like it’s always out of reach, you are still worthy of it. Joy is not some distant hope or childish pursuit. It’s right here, waiting for you to embrace it. Despite the loss and trauma you have seen or faced, there’s a world of beauty, abundance, and laughter available to you. But you must be willing to grieve, and then take your place in the areas of your life that have felt forbidden. Because you have every right to wear a smile that says, "I am loved, I belong, and I am satisfied."
